I've reached a breaking point, emotionally speaking, and don't know what to do.

I've never felt so horrible in my life.

I'm going to go finish writing ABTSA to distract myself for a while, spending time in a fake world will help me take my mind off of this stupid relationship shit.

I spoke with Jacob yesterday about where the relationship is headed and what we are going to do about our issues. I was bawling my eyes out and he was beginning to hyperventilate, and when he gets like that I have to cut things short so he doesn't pass out.

We talked about a lot of trust issues we've both had with each other and how the dumb things we've done have pushed each other away, and how the relationship has become too "routine" and we're not trying with each other anymore. He feels cages in, and a lot of times I do too.

He thinks we should go on an extended break, you know, see other people for a while and just give each other some room to grow. He's been having this curiousity about his life and other people and wants to jump back into the dating pool one last time. He says he knows he is 99% sure he is going to end up with me and can't imagine his life without me, and I feel the same way, but he wants to try at least one more time with other people before settling down so he won't have any regrets.

He said he doesn't want to be unsure about settling down with me just to up and leave in a few years when the curiousity would get the best of him, and he wants to deal with it now so that way Dahlia will never have to have her dad disappear on her.

I want to say go for it, I want to tell him that it'll all work out and that its the best thing for us, but I'm not going to sit around a wait for him. Doing that once almost killed me. I was constantly depressed, doing drugs, didn't even get out of bed to go to school, and lost myself along the way. Now, I have to think about me first and take care of myself so I can take care of my baby. I can't put my life on hold for him again, because it's not about me. I am not comfortable with the idea of dating other people, because to me it is pointless if you know you are going to stay with someone.

I told him this and he got even more distraught. He doesn't want to risk losing me, but he doesn't want to betray my trust and cheat on me down the road. He wants that little story book family, even if we are too young for it, and he doesn't want to be the dad that disappears from his kid's life.

I want so bad to go along with a full break and see other people, but it already hurts just thinking about it. The thought of losing him forever as a possibile outcome of that. I mean, after being with other girls who are smarter, funnier, nicer, and more attractive? Ones who don't have children? Who don't have a ton of baby weight to lose? Who are new? How could I ever compete with that? And who would ever want to date a ruined, emotionally unstable, eating disordered 18-year-old single mom?

No one.

I know what he is proposing is for the best...it would really help quell his curiousity and reassure me that he is the one, especially if he comes back, but it all feels so dirty and wrong. He feels the same way too, and he feels like a selfish bastard for evening saying it out loud, but he doesn't want to let me down.

I don't know what to do. I already feel like my heart is broken and that nothing will ever be the same.

After we talked for a while and he began to really freak out, I said we could talk about it some more later and I just started randomly talking about funny things at work and getting things ready for the baby and every happy thing I could think of to help him calm down and fall asleep.

Then I got off the phone and just cried. All. Fucking. Night.

I bought Dahlia a crib!


It's not the most fancy nor spectacular crib, but it's simple, cute, and will convert into a toddler bed and a full sized bed when it needs to, so it's perfect for the next 18 years! Or more if she wants to bring it to college with her one day =] And it was only $137 after tax with shipping!

My mom is buying the matress and crib sheets, as well as the car seat, which makes me one happy lady. It also makes my bank account happy.

Going shopping for a few baby things we need before she shows up, which could be in the next 5-9 weeks depending on when she decides to vacate my uterus.
So! I have to buy bottles, which I found these fantastic ones called "The First Years - Breastflow Bottles", so if I can nurse her then she won't get nipple confusion when my mom tries to feed her with formula/pumped milk. Very affordable. I'm heading to Walmart at 8 in the morning to get:
-Cloth diapers (for burping)
-Diapers (newborn and size 1)
-Unscented baby wipes
-Baby oil
-Baby soap
-Changing pad
-Diaper bag

Yay baby shopping?

Pretty much, I'm trying to focus all my attention on baby stuff so I don't just break down and lose it over this break that's happening. I've been taking the time to think about the relationship and all, it's just strange when you've had someone in your life for 2.5 years and all of a sudden you have to picture your life without them. It's a lot to handle, esepcially when you're bringing that person's kid into the world...

Ugh. I'm going to go finish the next part of ABTSA, focus all this energy into something that makes people excited and happy, and in turn makes me happy.

Then off to bed for this little lady!

I did it! ABTSA IS OFFICIALLY BACK! I'm so proud of myself, and seeing so many hits and comments right away makes me smile and all sorts of giddy!

Thank you guys, who have been following this story since its conception like...5 years ago XP

I'm off to my crappy job, but i feel good about what I accomplished so it won't be too bad of a night =]

YAY! I'm done with the piggy flu after several miserable days of thinking I was going to die in my bed XD

I changed my schedule for the spring so I'll only be taking 4 classes instead of 5, and one of them is only a few weeks long. I took out my Sociology class because I don't really need it and replaced it with my Fundamentals of Medical Terminology class, which I am going to need for my phlebotomy certificate.

So my school plan goes:
Spring 2010 - Pre-requisite classes for LPN and phlebotomy school
Summer 2010- Certification for Nurse Assistant
Fall 2010 - More pre-requisites, application for phlebotomy and LPN school
Spring 2011 - Phlebotomy certification
Fall 2011 - LPN school

Yay! School is going to murder me =[ However, I can work as a CNA until I am a certified phlebotomist and then work as a phlebotomist as I get my practical nursing liscensure. Then work as an LPN for a few years and go back to school to get my registered nurse liscensure.

My life is going to be school and work for the next 3 years, but by summer 2012 I'll have a wonderful job in the field I want to work in.

And as far as writing goes, Akai Batsu to Shiroi Ai Chapter 43 has officially been started as of this morning. I'm trying to get it finished before the weekend. Honestly, if I hadn't had the move and computer issues, it would have been done a while ago. There are only going to be 3-4 more chapters. I guess I'm just a bit sad about finishing it, there is so much in that story! Not many people realize, but you put a lot of yourself into the things you write and it can be very draining. However, all things must come to an end and we're approaching that finish line for it.

Then I get to finish my little vampire series, The Shadow World, which I think about everday along with ABTSA. Seriously, ever since Twilight/New Moon shit has been in the media again, it makes me a mad woman and want to write something to blow Stephanie Meyer out of the water. Even if its just to my little fanbase... =] Maybe one day I'll write a real vampire novel and have it published, though it will never be popular like the flaming, sexist, pile of trash novels that woman has spawned from her fat head.

So...I'm off to a doctor's appointment, which has me all sorts of nervous. Time to check on little Dahlia to see how she is doing in there!

So my ride to the venue really wanted to leave tonight to begin camping out, and my mom wanted me out of the house for the night so I guess it works out.

So yeah...camping out for 2 nights...gonna suck again like it did last year. Only this time the weather is a clear 25 degrees warmer and I'm with friends. We have fail safe plans for anti-camping out policies and I hope to see everyone from my f-list and from the communities there!

And away we go!

First off,
  mazohysteria's entry for the win!</strong></span></span></span>
Summary: Douche bag elitists who think Dir en grey sucks yet still go to their concerts are fucking retarded.
I agree =]

Onto my shit, lol

I can't sleep again. It's harder and harder every day to get comfortable. Dahlia is only going to grow an inch or two more while she bakes in there, but she still has 3-6 pounds to gain and my belly is growing straight out. I don't have stretch marks or any of the hugely horrible things associated with pregnany, but sleeping is impossible, and I'm in a lot of pain every day from this hip problem.

Things are beginning to look up yet down at the same time. I miss making $400 a week at Wendy's. This paycheck is going to reflect 15 days of work and won't even be near that amount. They don't want me to be in a hirer position and I they only give me 15 hours a week if I'm lucky. I really hope I can find a new job after Dahlia is born. At this rate, by the time I start school I won't have the money for a car or my own place. =|

I hate being home alone during the day. It's very lonely, just me and my dog. No one to talk to, no friends here, no transportation. It's all very depressing to feel like I really have no purpose these days other than a seat warmer on the couch.

School starts January 11th, so then I'll have something to fill the days with, and Dahlia will arrive around then, so I will feel like I'm doing something. I hate not being productive, I hate just sitting and staring at the TV, I hate looking for things to do on the internet.

I just need to hang on for a couple more months and then everything will get better. Then bust my ass in school for the spring semester, take my nursing assistant training classes in the summer and get certified to work in a hospital...and then make decent money while I completed my associates in school.

So...just counting down the days until the camp out for Dir en grey begins. Then I'll be counting down the days til Thanksgiving and I can see my grandma. Counting down the days until my baby shower. The days until the Distant Worlds concert. The days til Christmas. Til New Years. Til school. Til my baby decides to pop out.

I'm playing a very shitty waiting game, it seems...

I have an appointment at 8:10 A.M. to go do my stupid glucose tolerance test. I really don't want to, but I have too. Maybe they can do something to help me out with my blood sugar levels getting too low. =/

I worked 10AM-4PM yesterday and my mom was supposed to get my verification of pregnancy and verification of due date from the doctor while I was working because the office closes at 3PM. She forgot. T.T I'm going to have to do it tomorrow. As soon as I get that I can meet with those god damn financial aid people and get my education on! lol

And I have to put in my change of address for Normal and Charleston so I get my W-2's on time...yay taxes! I'm looking forward to my upcoming tax return. Especially if Dahlia decides to come before the end of this year, I'll get to put her on that and get a little extra. YAY DIAPERS!

Hopefully I'll have all my classes registered and financial aid dealt with this Tuesday. What a headache @.@

BUT! Halloween is tomorrow, I'm going trick-or-treating with Jacob! I didn't get to go the past 2 years because of my retarded friends in Charleston. But now I will...and I'm going to eat SO MUCH CANDY. And it will be awesome.

Anywho, I should sleep some more before this stupid test. If only I wasn't getting kicked in the ribs every 30 seconds...

Got my first paycheck from Hollywood Video. It was only for 2 days of work though, because the pay period ended on the 15th and I started on the 13th. Oh well, $73 dollars is nice for just two days work. The pay period ends again on the 1st and we get paid on the 6th, so I'm looking forward to that nice big paycheck.

I worked 9.5 hours today -.- It's hard enough to be on your feet for 9 hours, try being on your feet for 9 hours while pregnant with an extra 14 lbs on your bearing down on your lower extremities and those ankles swelling up. UGH!

But, I have the next 2 days off and I will be enjoying them! However, tomorrow I have to call the President of the Financial Aid office to talk about my independant status and when I should come in for an appointment. I also have to go to the post office to get all the mail being send to my old addresses in Normal and Charleston changed to this address. And I have to schedule when I am going to do my 1-hour glucose test T.T Not looking forward to that.

And Tuesday I have a 2-hour orientation at SSC and a meeting with the academic advisor, and then I get to come home and register for classes online.

Fun fun!

So, it looks like I can't taking my Nursing Dosage and Medication class...I didn't place high enough in math to do it this semester. Now I have to take math 095...>.< Luckily it is offered online, so I can take in this semester.

So...change of plans!

Spring 2010:
-ENG 101 - Comp and Rhetoric
-MTH 095 - Elementary Algebra
-SOC 101 - Intro to Sociology
-PSY 101 - Intro to Psychology

Summer 2010:
-NAS 100 - Nursing Assistant Basic Training + Certificate
-NURS 101 - Nursing Dosage and Medication

Hopefully I can take the CLEP for Chemistry and Biology to get the credits for those and then all I have to worry about taking is BIO 185 [Human Anatomy and Physiology], which is hopefully offered over summer. If not, I have to spend another semester taking care of those credits before I can apply to the nursing program for my associates! >.<;;

College is frustrating.

Classes start January 11th, so there is a good chance I'll be in labor and doing homework XD